


Bluegirls Come In Every Size

by MrsMess



Series: Bluegirls Come In Every Size [1]
Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Choices, Conversations, Dialogue, F/M, Family, Kissing, Love, POV Alternating, POV Female Character, Post-Canon, Post-Series, Pregnancy, Present Tense, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 21:58:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8770918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsMess/pseuds/MrsMess
Summary: [T]his is how it's been for him since fall. He’s used to the vagabond thing since youth, living out of an army bag. But lately it feels different. It’s exhausting but he can’t stay put.[...] When he´s turned up over the years his presence has always been helpful but brief. Since she got pregnant those turn-ups have gotten more frequent and less brief. He lingers.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is my way of making the best of a bad situation. Post-revival.  
> My music while writing this has been Genesis – A Trick of the Tail, particularly Ripples. The title is the initial lyric, which made me chuckle when I thought of Rory’s pregnancy. The song’s about growing old, but somehow still staying the same, which I thought was appropriate.  
> It's un-beta:d, so all mistakes are inevitably mine. On that note: a thanks to Rumaan, who gave me valuable input about what might constitute a literati movie night 2017.  
> I've made fan art to match this fic, that and more can be found at http://missismess.tumblr.com/

[JESS]

The diner’s flooded in early evening light. It’s that time of day when most people are at home having dinner, and the door chimes as the last customer leaves. Jess sits with a cup of long cold coffee, and book open on the table in front of him while waiting for Ceasar to finish the take-away order he placed a few minutes ago. Luke sits opposite him, eyes darting between him and the view outside the window. This has been going on for a few minutes, longer if you count all the small talk his uncle’s been trying to mask as a conversation. Jess is annoyed and tired from a night of bad sleep at Liz’ house, their uncomfortable futon and Doula waking him up early in collaboration. It’s May and this is how it's been for him since fall. He’s used to the vagabond thing since youth, living out of an army bag. But lately it feels different. It’s exhausting but he can’t stay put. In Stars Hollow he’s anxious, switching between sleeping in the apartment above the diner, on the couch at Luke’s and Lorelai’s or at Liz’ and TJ’s. But as soon as he’s back at work in his own apartment he’s looking for excuses to come back. It’s unnerving. He might have been able to convince himself that it’s just in his blood, maybe that piece of Jimmy becoming a real part of him at this point, if he hadn’t already known why he feels like this. He sighs, smacks the book closed, and lifts his head with emphasis, looking at Luke.

”Something on your mind?” He inquires, even if he already sort of knows what this is going to be about. Luke meets his eyes reluctantly at first, then defiantly. He smirks.

”So, you’re here a lot lately.”

”Sorry.”

”I’m just saying, six times in the same amount of months... That's an increase of what, five hundred percent in comparison to-"

”Your math’s off,” Jess interrupts.

”The last thirty years of my flawless tax returns might disagree with you.”

”Jeez, would you get to the point already?”

”I’m just wondering what inspired this... Let’s see, what’s changed lately?” Luke taps his chin.

”Would you stop beating around the bush?”

Luke looks at him and pauses for a second, then picks it up again, swinging. ”Just wondering if you’ve helped baby proof some neighbor’s house lately, or attended any town meetings, maybe got rooked into picking up indian take-away in subfreezing temperatures?”

The echo of Jess’ own phrasing sets anger and shame boiling in his chest. ”Shut up, will you?”

”Jess, if this is about her-”

He stands up and grabs his jacket, the motion silencing Luke. ”Look. I appreciate the concern, if that’s what this is, but you don’t have to worry about this. I-”

He stops, trying to get his temper and tone under control. He stares at the floor, it’s the only way to get the words out. ”I’m not gonna do this your way. I know how I feel and I’m gonna let her know too, I’m just... working up to it. And if you could stop acting all tickled about it I’d be grateful.”

He looks at his uncle who sits silently.

”The timing hasn’t exactly been great.” He continues. ”She’s eight months pregnant, not sure if that’s the best time to consider starting dating.”

Luke stands up as well and walks over to the counter to clear off a few remaining coffee cups. Jess follows his example, waiting for some sort of response.

”Any idea how Rory feels about this?” Luke asks.

”If I had do you think I’d be darting all over the place?”

Luke looks away. Jess swears under his breath, too harsh, again.

”Sorry.” He says. ”We’re... close. Friends. But we haven’t talked about any of that.”

Luke opens his mouth and closes it again before speaking. ”Have you considered the possibility of... rejection?”

”In different kinds of ways in one hundred percent of my imagined scenarios.” Jess smiles grimly. ”Still gotta do it though.”

”And have you considered that if she does want you, you’ll raise another man’s child? Could you do that?”

Jess sets down a cup with a distinct bang and glares at Luke. ”Have we met?” He snaps. ”Do you really think that matters to me?”

”I’m just sayin’, it takes a special kind of person to do it.” Luke lectures.

”Sure does.” Jess affirms and lifts an eyebrow at his uncle who looks startled at his words. ”Besides,” he continues. ”Nothing in my life has ever been normal. No reason for it to start now.”

"Okay", Luke begins after a couple of minutes. "You should do things your way, and I'll stop hounding you about it..."

"But...?"

Luke looks straight at him. "If you think timing is bad now, wait 'til the baby gets here. Those things are time consumers if anything and she's gonna be struggling to make everything work."

"So... I should back off, is that what you're saying?" Jess says, chest tight.

"No. Don't put words in my mouth."Luke retorts, sternly. He pauses, and seems lost in thought for a moment, then continues, subdued. "When Lorelai moved here, and Rory was a baby... Well, if you think she's intense now, that's nothing compared to then. And always busy busy busy, hands full, and if I hadn't waited... and done things "my way"… I could've maybe, made a real difference in her life back then."

”Luke-”

"My point is; there's never gonna be a perfect time. Just maybe a slightly less bad one."

They stare at each other in silence.

”Your food’s ready!” Ceasar calls.

Jess suppresses a ”Thank God!” and fetches the bag from the kitchen.

"So you're going over there?" Luke asks.

"Yup. We're watching some show. The food order's mainly hers."

"I don't have a lot of things on my menu that she should eat, let me check-"

Jess jerks the bag away. "Oh would you let it be! You're driving her crazy. French fries won't hurt the baby."

Luke glares at him, resigned. "Fine! Be it on your own heads. Will I see you tomorrow?"

"Maybe. I'm going back, but I'll crash at the apartment tonight if that's okay. And if we don't I'll see you in two weeks."

Luke pulls him into a hug. "Okay. See you."

 

[RORY]

Rory wanders around the living room waiting for Jess. If she sits down she’ll most certainly be down for the evening. She’s hit the point in her pregnancy where she’s only able to sleep on her left side, and that makes her neck and back ache from the lack of variation. Nearly insatiable hunger is another side effect that’s jammed in between last month’s second wave of nausea and what she hears will be the main feature of the final month; inability to eat due to belly full of baby™. And that’s another thing; she’s surrounded by baby-experts. Lorelai ”I told you so” Gilmore, Lane ”I birthed twins” Kim and Paris ”the Pablo Escobar of the fertility world” Geller. She can’t complain about anything without being bombarded with non-sequitur advice, passive-aggressive coddling, or weird, dehumanizing anecdotes. Jess is the only one who doesn’t seem to feel the need to talk at her lately. He listens, helps with practicalities and when he talks it usually takes her mind off her troubles. When he's turned up over the years his presence has always been helpful but brief. Since she got pregnant those turn-ups have gotten more frequent and less brief. He lingers. In Stars Hollow as well as in their conversations, and her mind when he does go. She knows something’s up of course, he’s never acted this way, not even when they were teenagers. She understands that what they’re doing isn’t strictly friendish, she’s leaning on him, drawing strength from him, accepting food from him. It's kind of a big deal, but she dodges thoughts of the subject as best she can. Right now she’s hungry and eager for his company, she been nagging him to watch Jessica Jones. Finally there’s a knock at the door and she hurries to open it.

”Food bearer!” She reaches for the bag, but Jess holds it out of her reach.

”What, are you gonna eat straight from the bag? No way! Go sit down. I’ll fix it.”

She aims her most grumpy stare at him but follows him into the kitchen and sits down.

”Where’s Lorelai?” He asks as he unpacks the bag.

”The inn. They have a full house tonight and Michel has the weekend off. Luke was going over there later to help prepare breakfast, he didn’t tell you?”

”Must have slipped his mind...” Jess says with an oddly biting smile.

The screening is awkward. She's talked the show up too much but can't get comfortable enough to chat away like she usually does. But it's not just her. He's quiet too. She sits next to him for a while like a civilized person, but her back aches. Leaning on him is too charged, so she lies down, on her left side, of course, head on the opposite end of the couch. Without uttering a word or taking his eyes off the screen he grabs her feet and places them in his lap, allowing her to stretch out. After that it’s impossible for her to concentrate on anything besides her feet and legs. His hands are placed on top of them, over the space between her pants and socks, fingers grazing the skin and tiny hairs there. Warmth radiates from him, up her legs. Her back still aches and she’s struck with a sharp impulse to pull him down behind her for warmth and... It’s so strong that she has to fight it off by pinching herself. She twitches. He laughs silently and wraps her feet tighter against his abdomen to support them. It doesn’t help, at least not for what really ails her.

After they’ve finished the fifth episode he turns to her. "Well, that was a bit of a let down."

"Oh come on! Just because you prefer Krysten Ritter in Veronica Mars..."

"Please. Like I care about Gia Goodman. I was expecting you to talk my ear off with all the extra fanformation."

"Yeah, sorry. I'm a bit out of it today" she admits as he pulls her up to a sitting position.

"It was still nice." He says. Their eyes lock, and she can't think of a reply. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but closes it again and averts his eyes. He stands up abruptly. "I should go if I wanna catch some sleep."

She follows him out on the porch. "So the deal is you go home for a couple of weeks and then you'll come back here and help me edit?"

"That's the idea."

"We're starting to cut it a bit close, don't you think? Another month and we might be outta time..." She says, hinting at her stomach.

"I guess I'd better stick around next time then. Wouldn't wanna miss the main event."

She looks at him and smiles, puzzled. "What? You wanna be here for that?"

His face changes, goes softer. It's like a mask dropping. "Yes. If you'll let me."

He reaches out to brush her hair behind her ear, and doesn’t pull his hand away, but strokes her cheek. Her heartbeat speeds up. There’s suddenly no doubt about what they’ve been doing, and the reality of it hits her with full force. Her smile drops and she steps away from his touch.

”Wait...”

His expression remains the same but he regards her attentively. She grasps for words.

”I can’t, we can’t, I mean, have you seen me lately?” She gestures to her body. ” I’m the actual, lexical, literal definition of a mess.”

”I know.” His response is immediate and gaze unwavering. The corners of his mouth twitch slightly, almost like he’s a little bit amused. "I used to be too, remember?"

Rory snorts disconcerted. "It's not the same though, is it? I’ve done so many stupid things.”

Jess frowns. ”Yeah, about that, you couldn’t have picked up a phone while you were at it?”

She slaps his arm while he chuckles. ”Jess!”

"Oh come on! You're not perfect, so what? Neither am I."

"But, boy, am I not perfect!" She exclaims, gesturing while she paces. "I live in my old room in my mother's house!"

"I live on your mother's couch occasionally" he retorts.

"But my stupid is so recent!"

"Luke quoted my fifteen year old snark back at me today. Still didn't feel good."

"I'm pregnant!"

Jess regards her quizzically. "Huh. Didn't we do this already? I know. It doesn't seem to matter to me. I still wanna be with you.” He looks away and puts his hands in his pockets. ”But listen, I’m not gonna pitch myself to you if you don’t feel the same. If you don’t please say so.”

She blushes right down to the roots of her hair when she thinks of the moment on the couch. But she can’t speak. Every choice she makes seems to have a built-in disaster lately, or always.

”Rory?”

”I’m not saying anything.” Her eyes are fixed on the wooden floor of the porch. It's quiet and she's suddenly scared that he didn't get it. She has to look up. He's still standing there, body steady, hands in pockets, face lowered but eyes on her.

"Okay. Then I'm gonna talk." He starts moderated. "I'm doin' alright. So much better than I ever thought I could. And I'm pretty sure that could've never happened if we hadn't met. So in my book that sort of means I'm tied to you."

There’s a strange sting inside at his words. She knows it's unfair but she can't help but indulge in every feeling coming her way these days. She gestures dramatically. "Well maybe it's time to close the book. You don't owe me anything! I'm not interested in your repayment! Whatever I did for you I did for selfish reasons, 'cause I –" she hesitates. "Because I loved you."

His expression is too mixed for her to decipher it. For a second he looks much younger. He extracts his hands from his pockets and gestures back, however significantly less startling. "I'm not trying to pay you back, I'm here because I wanna be. Can I try to explain it?”

She nods, dumfounded by the turn of their conversation. He looks up and takes a deep breath. When he speaks it’s with obvious concentration.

”The thing about feeling shitty all the time; it gets really hard to tell things apart. One shitty feeling is so much like any other, I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced that.”

Something clicks inside her at his words. ”I think I might have.” She mumbles.

"That’s what it was like for me back then. You were all I cared about and I left anyway. And it did something to me, it's still like that's the one thing I can't fix. I left without saying goodbye because I couldn't say goodbye... And when I saw you last year... It was like I remembered I still hadn't."

”Jess, you don’t have to-” she starts, but he continues.

”My point is that I’ve been alright for a while now, so I could finally tell things apart. And all I felt was... love.” He pauses at that and takes an unsteady breath. ”That’s why I’m back, not because of an IOU.”

It's like being handed the key to an old test that you failed miserably at the time. She meets his gaze agape. He speaks again.

"And jokes aside, I don't wanna be some stupid mistake. And I'll wait for you to be sure if that's what you need. I just... really want a second chance.” He finishes emphatically, hands open.

She takes a breath and it’s like it’s the first since he initiated his monologue. Tears fill her eyes. She feels raw; so present in her body and situation. Young and old at once. Flawed. She meets his gaze and finds her emotions mirrored there. "Maybe I do too", she sniffles.

He takes a step towards her. "You got it."

She covers her face in her hands to disappear into darkness, if just for a second. His hands grabs hers gently and pulls them down wiping the tears from her cheeks as they go. He looks at her with a small smile, head awry.

"Hey, what is it? Afraid you're gonna be a bad influence on me?"

She laughs while his smile broadens. He's still holding her hands and she laces their fingers together. His face gets serious as he registers the touch, and before she has time to think about it, she cranes her neck across the divide created by her tummy, and kisses him. With almost comical speed he moves his hands to grasp the back of her head and jaw, pressing their faces closer deepening the kiss. She wobbles at that and he puts his hand at her hip leading her in a somewhat clumsy dance to the wall. The impulse to have him closer returns and she grabs him by the back pulling him in. He hesitates and lets go of her mouth, seeking eye contact. She smiles.

”It’s okay. It won’t break.” She breathes.

He looks relieved. Strokes her face, leans into her and kisses her again, more heated this time. Her muscle memory of the two of them returns in an intense flash as dormant attraction mixes with the new, sorely awake. Right. Her pulse travels like ripples through her body and it feels like shaking. She clings to him for stability. The feeling of him, his arms around her, is all-encompassing. His hand moves to her neck to steer her in their kiss, and he squeezes the most achy part of it. The relief makes her want to moan. She's just gotten the urge under control when the baby twists inside her and gives a hearty kick – she groans, loudly, and he lets go of her mouth pulling his face back with one of the most open expressions she's ever seen on him. His smile is wide, his eyes elated. Her groan transits to laughter.

"I felt that!" He says, putting his hands on her stomach and his forehead to hers. "I felt that."

His gaze is so tender that she almost starts bawling again. She looks at him in wonder.

"It's my heart," she starts, but trails off.

"What?"

She looks away to summon enough focus to continue. "Well, supposedly my heartbeat is really amplified in there, with all the blood pumping and..."

She looks back at him. "It's probably really loud in there right now."

She can tell he's trying to think of something to say, but he just winds up staring at her helplessly, quietly, mouth slightly open. She gulps, shakes her head, and speaks, voice unsteady. "Do you wanna come back inside?"

"Yes." He says.


End file.
